Penny For Your Thoughts

 Oh, so many emotions. Today I swallowed them all for the sake of being empathetic.  Here, in my space, I will let them be. I am so anxious. Nothing will tear apart your insides like the anxiety of waiting on one of the biggest "Yes or No" questions of your life. It's changing how much I sleep, making me feel physically sick, shortening my breath, and taking over my mind. I am scared of being a failure. I am scared that I put months of work into words that were written to be judged by someone that I've never even met. I am scared that my words hold no worth. I am hopeful that my words have worth and touch the heart of someone else so much that they would like to meet me. I want to leave a positive impact on others when I write. This is why I tell stories when talking about my personal qualities. Stories mean more to humans than gloating about accomplishments. I am sad for a friend that had a particularly difficult day. I wish that I could take away even an ounce of th...

 Sometimes  It is okay To be on the outside Looking in At the simplicity And yet Beautiful mess That humans Are.  -Emma Lancaster

 You really are just someone that I used to know.  Thank you for showing me how to love again after many long months of not knowing how.  Thank you for showing me what it is to be happy with another person.  Although we didn’t quite work out, you are the reason I can love today.  I’ll always hold close the memories and nights that I spent on you, because sometimes a month of love will change your life.  Thank you for being someone that I used to love.  We know what it was.  That is enough.  -Emma Lancaster 

 Day twenty-five: I want you to take a moment and think about this question: Have you ever regretted telling someone that you love them? Maybe you have, but I don't think you should. The world has never been worse off because of people saying that they love each other. The reaction that you get in response may not be ideal, but that does not change the fact that you spoke love into the world and love is GOOD. Tell people in your life that you love them without hesitation and without regret because love is good. It's beautiful and whole. Allow space for it. Tell them even though you may be scared. Tell them of the love that you hold. -Emma Lancaster

 Day twenty-three: I don't quite know what to say other than I have found peace with where I am. I haven't found this peace in a long time. I'm content with being alone with my own thoughts, I've been making and listening to music, I've been reading books. I feel that sometimes, other people's words say more than my own ever could. Sometimes, we must listen instead. I like this peace. I hope it stays. -Emma Lancaster

 Day thirteen: I am taking everything that has broken me and I am turning it into music. If you have ever broken my heart, I probably wrote a song about you. I am writing about love and loss and growing and memories and what could have been and it is beautiful. I feel like I'm discovering my voice. I'm finding who I am by taking all the feelings and thoughts that have been living inside of me for so long and turning them into melodies. I'm making room for new experiences in my heart and I'm allowing myself the space to fall in love again. This is the healing that I've been working for and writing about.  I'm finding myself piece by piece and inside of an acoustic guitar.  It's going to be a beautiful little collection of my heart. Good things are coming. "When words fail, music speaks." -Emma Lancaster

 I'm still kind of holding out for him, mom. "I understand." There's just something about him. "It's okay to hold on." Okay. "But someday someone might come along and make you change your mind." I know. "You sure seem set on this guy." I'm keeping an open mind, I promise. "Good. If he's the one, he will come back. If not, you'll find him." Thanks, mom. I love you. "I love you too." -Emma Lancaster

 Day twelve: I watched the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" and now it's my favorite movie. Tom Hanks movies make me emotional. The movie is all about loving after losing, which I feel is relevant to so many people in so many ways. We might not all lose a spouse like the guy from the movie does, but we've all lost some kind of love in our lives at one point or another.  It's so important to keep loving, even after you lose.  You could be bitter or hopeless or unsure about loving again,  but I ask you this: What is the best that could happen? You get one chance to live on this earth.  Choose to love today. -Emma Lancaster

 "The only thing worse than a boy who hates you is a boy who loves you." Well, ain't that the truth? I wish he would have said he hated me than have said nothing when I asked if he wanted me to move on. -Emma Lancaster

 Day ten: The music is in my heart, my mind, and my soul.  My heart holds the beat, I walk in rhythm.  I can’t help but sing when I’m driving in the car,  I fall asleep to music every night, It’s how I bond with my little brother,  It got me through the worst times, And it carried me through the best.  Music lives in my bones and shapes my words, thoughts, actions, dreams, and expectations.  Music, they said, is how she thrives.  -Emma Lancaster

Day seven: Today, I was called insane, crazy, f-ed up, and all by someone that I care about deeply and that has become unrecognizable.  It scared me. It reminded me that we don't always know what other people are going through, what goes on in their quiet moments, or what demons hide behind closed doors. You see, I was reminded today that my biggest fear is not being good enough. The person that I care about so deeply and love so much was one of the first people to make me feel like being a goofball was okay. This person took me, five years ago, and taught me how to platonically love like I have never loved before. Today, that person swore to limit their interactions with me even more than they have already been limited by my moving away and their staying. They said that talking to me was a mistake.  Please, learn how to platonically love and allow your personal shifts to keep enough room for that love. I wish I was not pushed away by the greatest platonic love I've ever felt....

 Day six: I have the best friends on the planet. I am beyond fortunate to have found the most protective and caring individuals possible. A roommate that listens when I cry, a neighbor that gives me a hug without asking because he thinks I might need it, a group of goofballs that dance with me until I'm too tired to keep moving, and hundreds of miles across the country, a group of people from my past that know my heart and know who I am. These people take care of me on the days when I cannot take care of myself and in the moments when I find it hard to love myself. They make me laugh so hard that I can't breathe, they make me smile like smiling is the only option for my face, and I would be completely and utterly lost without them in my life. To the people  that I love, thank you for taking care of me. -Emma Lancaster

Day five: I cried today. I've learned that crying is a part of healing and that it's okay. I just wish I was crying over something better. I thought I was done crying over this guy, but apparently, that is not the case. I know I've gotten stronger because I can hold it together until I'm alone, which is good. I cried the whole drive home. Sometimes I wonder though. If humans cried in front of each other, would the world be more empathetic? If only that were the only question taking over my mind right now. -Emma Lancaster

 You are  the biggest pain in my ass. Yes, you. -Emma Lancaster

 Day four: Today I am spending time with myself.  I set aside a dedicated hour and a half to just sit outside in a hammock and listen to piano instrumentals alone.  Everything else can wait for me. I can feel the sun on my skin and I’m letting it warm me. I think this is the very foundation of letting someone or something change your life. Simply letting the sun touch my face makes me feel better and happy and content. Imagine what will happen when I meet a person that warms me like the sun does.  I value these little moments alone. They let me breathe.  Life is beautiful. Treat it as such.  -Emma Lancaster

 Today may not be easy, today may be quite hard, but today,  yes, you, it's yours to claim. Go forth and be the change. I can feel  your unrest, and dear, I wish you peace. I say a prayer,  for up in the air fly your hopes,  your dreams, your spirit,  your peace. -Emma Lancaster

 Day three: Waking up conveys more than one meaning. Today, those meanings collided. I woke up this morning, and while waking up physically, found some clarity and woke up to remember my own values. This morning, I remembered the things that are most important to me, and even more, I remembered why they are important. I woke up, sent a text message, got a shower, and spent time with my family. It was not a wildly thrilling morning, but it was fulfilling and calm and thoughtful. My mom made Dutch Baby Pancakes with warm, buttery apples. I hugged them all close, my beautiful and wonderful family.  Driving the interstate is another thing that brings me clarity. On my drive today, I watched the sun go down, listened to music that made me feel at peace, and said a prayer for everyone that I love.  After the drive, I realized that I have so many people and things that I love in this life. I am so thankful for them and I am happy to discover them over and over again. I'm falling...

 Day two: Today I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in many many months. We talked about our new life experiences and how we were not the same people that had graduated high school together nearly a year ago. I got one of the best possible compliments during this conversation. My friend told me that I seemed extremely different, in a good way. My friend said that I had gained confidence. I held myself in a different manner than I did prior, one of a girl that had done some growing up. Confidence. It has grown throughout the last year with vigor, but also with moments of hesitation, regression, progression, and discomfort.  The person that I am today is the result of the work put in by the person that I used to be. I am not who I was a year ago,  nor am I even the person that I was yesterday. -Emma Lancaster

Day One: I'm feeling okay today, with just a slight headache. A headache can be fixed with caffeine.  I decided to listen to country this morning. I grew up listening to country music, so it always reminds me of my mom and driving around during the summers with a Diet Coke. It reminds me of a time that was simpler, and easy. It reminds me of carefree summers, of being a child, and the people that were most important to me as a child. Springsteen is one of my favorite country songs. My childhood best friend and I used to blast it in her big sister's car on the way to the pool on hot days.  I like the song Stuck Like Glue, but my dad doesn't. He also hates Taylor Swift, which is funny. She's an international superstar, and he can't stand the sound of her voice. Kenny Chesney's songs make me think about my parents. Their first date was to a Kenny Chesney concert, and they went to another concert of his while my mom was pregnant with me. My dad has always said that ...

 Okay. That's it. I'm sick of waiting and expecting love. It will find me when it wants to. I'm shutting it all down, the feelings and things like that. Don't worry about me, don't expect much. It's going to take someone truly fantastic to break down this wall, because I've had some practice building walls around my heart. -Emma Lancaster

 I find myself envious of a girl I have never met because she has everything that I do not. She has you,  and you are everything. -Emma Lancaster

 I hate when the little things join together to become a big pile. Even more than this, I hate crying in front of other people. A hug would be nice,  because, after all, it's the little things that mean the most. -Emma Lancaster

I woke up today and decided to have a good day.  Sometimes that’s all it takes.  I realized that I like myself. I’m a cool person. I want to get to know myself better.  I’ve done so many things with the short while that I’ve been alive, and I’ve never taken the time to slow down and just think about who I am and why I push so hard for these major life accomplishments. I woke up today and picked a good song to listen to while I got ready for the day.  I listened to ABBA all day and wore overalls like Donna from Mamma Mia would.  I danced around the office at work and cranked up the goofy even more when my coworker started laughing.  I enjoyed a walk through the woods on my way to class and felt the sun on my face.  I talked to friends and ate cereal for dinner.  I’m finding me again.  She’s pretty cool. -Emma Lancaster